We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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