i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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