the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
