Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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