I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I look excited, but its just a facade.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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