Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
