smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
