At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Come see our sink grown plant.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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