I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I think I sprained my soul last night
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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