ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
