Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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