I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize