I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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