How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
