I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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