I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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