I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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