One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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