he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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