Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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