No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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