smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
is wine microwaveable?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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