So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
