I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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