I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
