sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the day after is always just damage control
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
