im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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