just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
