All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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