Need sex. Gaining weight.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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