I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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