trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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