Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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