barbara walters just said penis...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
