so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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