Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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