Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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