get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
