i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
