If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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