God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
