idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
