Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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