Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
