im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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