you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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