My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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