if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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