he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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