What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
