I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Randomize
