Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
