I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
