our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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