So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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