3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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