I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
