I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize