Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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