True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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