I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
